the feelings were tortured,

but covered well by kindness,

kept it all inside,

held the pain,

“let it out, cry out loud”

ease the pain,

some says that it such a waste,

but even clouds cry when they can’t carry the rain.



In this dark room, me on the bed thinking of how and where to start.

First post in the year of 2018, after a month of this girl have been truly grown up. ssshh she’s eighteen by now.  If my friends did read my whole journey back then till now, bet they’re laughing like hella crazy right now.

’17 was great, it really was even I had to lose someone that I cherished for everyday. Miss his smile, the way he called me, and all the things he did. The real defender, grandpa. I hope you’re happy now without any pain.

I spend my new year with family on my side. The resolutions for ’18 aren’t clear enough for me, frankly speaking still unsure yet until this date and this hour. So literally no goals yet to set and will try my best to put one.

But this one person really iz something. Looking from the back, the figure was almost perfect. The eyes gives the perfect gaze, speaks to the smoothest tone i’ve ever heard which make me calm. The concerns that has been showed all the while is just too cute to handle. Done describe.

I couldn’t ask more, I’m surrounded by good people and friends. With the bickering and love we shared together, I put all of my feelings for them. I really wanted to show gratitude to them but others would jump into nonsense conclusions. which I don’t prefer it to happen.

Calmly, I’m done writing at least my first post of the year. Yesh !






it’s finally semester break. gosh I’m happy, really. an end of goblin for me since I just had the chance to follow the leads. Strange feelings. I save the best for the last. After those episodes, I tend to develop a new personality and this drives me crazy. I’m the goblin’s bride the first and last “BEAUTIFUL BY CRUSH SOUNDTRACK ENTERED” or perhaps I’ll just be Gong Yoo’s bride.  Continue reading


Ola! Bonjour! Hello!

The clouds turn to be dark. I’m on the bed, waiting the clock strikes two for my next class. I can’t imagine how my curricular activities will be this evening as I’m bloody exhausted. No marching, please. (Rains please pour yourself out)

It has been a long time since my last post about late grandpa. I’m busy with new routines. Time is so jealous of me. Entering the university of life isn’t a bad idea after all. You’ll see how this world works. Different backgrounds and races lead to a beautiful friendship. University is the place where you depending on yourself. You do it on your own. Come here and test yourself. I’m still here, challenging myself. Continue reading

Was too late.

I feel distracted. he questioned me the same thing almost each minute,

” can I sleep?” asked him, immediately I shook my head and firmly said no.

His health is our first priority. It’s not good to lie down after you full. I been through the continuously same thing just for that one week.

I spoke to mom, directly from my heart, he looks different. It’s not him. The house seems not right in his eyes. He was challenging our patience the whole week. I thought he was tired and he didn’t get enough sleep due to the slack routines. But this time its different, he seems so lost.

From that moment, I knew something is not right.

The morning, I was getting ready for medical checkup and so forth before entering new phase of life. My maid calling out for mom from grandpa’s room. Her voice sounded worried and anxious.

I get down before mom, I saw his numbness face. I don’t suspect anything. He couldn’t speak properly. He was really weak.  He said he feel the dizziness. Mom came down to check on everything. she quickly dialed up her brothers. They suspected minor stroke.

I  grabbed my pink’s phone. Open up ‘google search’ I typed “symptoms of minor stroke”. This article shows me how to detect it by the symptoms called “F.A.S.T”. Almost the symptoms similar to the situation. I found myself panic and couldn’t think straight. Grandpa couldn’t stand by his own, as he sit his body will slightly go downwards, we give him a sip of water but he couldn’t swallow he feels pain on the throat.

We called for the ambulance (directly to sg.buloh) but grandpa’s personal data kept by PPUM,KL. So, change our mind, brought grandpa to the hospital (PPUM) by dad’s car.

During the journey, his eyes only pointed on the car’s roof. He grabbed mom’s hand tightly, he said he’s in pain. We could not bare watching him in this condition. I said to him “Sikit lagi nak sampai,atuk kena sabar” (We’re almost there,you need to be patient) even the traffic was very bad. It took us almost an hour. No polices to escort us. Pitied on him, I cannot do anything. I just hold his left hand and repeating the same sentences.

Tightly, his hand on mine until we reached the hospital, dad carried grandpa onto the trolley bed and pushed him into emergency with the nurse squad. He barely breathing, I worried. We wait for 10 mins and an announcement made, the nurse hand off a bill for us to pay at the counter so we shared money for the CT scan.

Nothing shown in the result of scan. I keep wandering in the hospital. What was he doing that night, what was he eat, what was he talk about. Nothing different. We wait, wait and wait..

No announcement, no disease detected.

I feel uneasy so I checked on him in the emergency room, I saw him kicking everything, his hand tied to the bed railing, the tubes on him, he pulled it off even the oxygen mask. I went to him, I told him to be patient,He called out my name “yong”. He pointed me the water drip bottle. I saw the bottle was empty, no water and his mouth dried. My anger was killing me that time. I hold his left hand again, he grabbed it tightly. I just wanted to scream out loud in the emergency room and asked them to bring my grandpa into the ward room now! but the reality I can’t.

10 pm, after morning,noon,evening finally grandpa been placed into a ward. I followed him to the ward and watched him before I depart to Negeri Sembilan after dawn. Throughout there, I felt uneasy. I kept on asking is grandpa okay? who is with him now? does doctor come? what the doctor says?. But they said everything is under control and normal.

So we went back home around 9 pm. we took some rest and talked about how to take care of grandpa if he suspected stroke and so on, soon we’re getting ready to go bed so as usual i grabbed my book that almost to the last page to read. Suddenly, ayah came in and told us grandpa is in critical condition.

Snapped. The world shut again.

My mind is empty, my heart almost thrown out. We rushed to the hospital.

As we arrived,

The police let 2 people entered by the time. (mom and uncle) which kind of getting me mad. After a few minutes, the police called me to the counter,” family members can enter now” said him. So, I quickly push the lift button to level13 without suspecring anything.

As I opened the door,I had no clues of what happened, mom was crying.

I asked her, was grandpa really critical?

She looked at me with the teary eyes and..

She said grandpa is not with us anymore.

I fell down, my eyes cried out loud.

I couldn’t accept, I have no chance to tell him I’m going to further my studies . 

I couldn’t stop my tears. 

I went to see him,

Behind the curtain, there he is, lie on the bed, his body was not moving, he’s not breathing.

Slowly, I came to his side..

I kissed him on the cheeks..

I whispered to his ear, “I know you’ll be happy soon, send my regards to grandma, I love you both” ” I promise to study well as you really wished before” “I promise to stay strong”

He smiled.

His cheeks wet with the tears I can’t hold

I told him to wait for me until i arrive there

I wanted to see him at least to look at me before he left.

But he followed the light with his beautiful smile,

Was I too late?



He walked away, only his shoulders can be seen,

Not in the darkness, but through the light,

He admonish me to stay far,

I smiled,

One hand on the road, body bend towards the earth,

RUN, he runs,

The moment, I’m in daze,

He stopped, he abruptly fell to the ground,

He stood up, the left leg shaking,

A hole made on the green pants,

Not cried but in shock,

He felt nausea,

But, he keeps RUN in the light.

( Thanks dear readers! ) 😉

Much LOVE,

Your fav little girl,




yeehaa! liyana is back! i’m back,everyone!


why should liyana writes about time? she never on time! she always running out of time! she never used the free time wisely! why should she writes about this topic?! *whispered to myself*

the readers may know me as disciplined prefect ever in school, but some of the time i lost to it. As i grows, the family looks healthier, they look even taller, and getting older than i glanced before. How could i miss all this precious things?! . getting furious and frustrated knowing all these facts.

even i, myself wish could have a time capsule like all the dramas did but me is just me,liyana. an ordinary person as you can see. yet old times are still my fav.

“quality times breaks the distance” – little girl 

Continue reading